That’s right. I’m growing a human. I have been growing a human for several months but have wavered in my decision to post my experience due to fear of retribution. It’s hard being queer. It’s hard being genderqueer. It’s hard being a survivor. It’s hard living in our current political climate as a queer/genderqueer/survivor. One wonders about safety most of the time. But I’ve had lots of time to consider my situation and research the idea of genderqueer pregnancy and have formed the conclusion that my story and my experience may be beneficial for other genderqueer gestating people. I know I’m not the only one out there, but my oh my are we difficult to find and man oh man there is nary a resource out there for us. So what has it been like for me as a genderqueer pregnant person? Here are a few points:
- I feel more solid in my genderqueerness than ever before. This has been an exciting new discovery. I thought pregnancy might induce gender angst but it has only served to strengthen my understanding that I am NOT a woman. I am also NOT a man. There are plenty of gestating men out there, but I’m not one of them. I am a genderqueerfluid pregnant person.
- There are no clothes for genderqueer pregnant people
- Pregnancy has made me less concerned with the experiences of cisgender people and bending over backwards to help them understand my identity. My current attitude is basically thus: I am genderqueer. I am pregnant. You don’t understand? Sorry, can’t help you.
- I LOVE my pregnant body. As someone who struggled with body image and disordered eating for most of life, there was some concern that pregnancy and subsequent weight gain would be challenging. Not in the slightest. My pregnant body is sexy and exciting and I am proud of the 28lbs I have gained thus far. I will say the extra boobage isn’t fun and I hope I get some of my muscle back (it has been replaced with adipose in certain areas) because I like to climb mountains, but the fact that this whole process is ending in a child means nothing else matters much.
So aside from my gender identity, how else am I queering pregnancy? Let’s consider the dominant cultural narrative around pregnancy: A cis-het woman is impregnated by her cis-het husband. They discover the sex of their child in utero (erroneously labeling it “gender”), buy gendered clothes and decorations for the nursery, have a baby shower in which they receive gendered gifts for the baby, pick out gendered baby names…(remember, this is the DOMINANT paradigm. I know some cis-het couples do not align with this narrative either).
How does my pregnancy differ?
- I’m single
- I’m not a woman
- The necessary ingredient for conception was donated
- I’m old (and so happy about that)
- I won’t know the sex of my child until they are born
- I won’t know the gender of my child until they tell me
- I don’t have a nursery
- I haven’t bought ONE thing (I am the lucky recipient of many hand-me-downs)
- NO BABY SHOWER
- I will birth at home (if all goes swimmingly)
No part of my pregnancy was inspired by Pinterest. There are so many ways to be pregnant! There are so many ways to be human! It always intrigues me that societal norms determine, not only how most people do things, but how valid one’s life is. I am certain that some people look at my choices and are horrified:
HOW COULD THEY BRING A CHILD INTO THE WORLD WITHOUT A HUSBAND/PARTNER?
WHAT DO THEY MEAN THEY WILL WAIT FOR THE CHILD TO DISCLOSE THEIR GENDER?!
THEY HAVEN’T BOUGHT ANYTHING? WHAT THE…?
Why can’t we all just celebrate each other and our diverse humanness? I am so lucky to be surrounded by family, friends, and colleagues who may not totally relate to my choices, but who offer unconditional love and support. Similarly, I offer love and support to my cis-het friends who are gendering their children (far be it for me to tell someone else how to parent). These friends also say they will love and accept their child if their child decides their assigned gender doesn’t fit. I have two cis mostly-het friend couples who are trying not to overly gender their children- they use gendered names and pronouns but prefer gender neutral clothes, are open to other pronouns, and outright defy rigid gender roles. Queer parenting does not necessarily mean parenting by queer people; it could just mean parenting outside the norm.
I’m curious if there are other genderqueer gestating people out there and what they might add to this conversation. I sometimes wonder if my fluid identity makes this process easier for me. I can sort of flow into femininity, or at least allow other people to gender me in that way for this short period of time without causing too much angst, but I wonder how it is for people whose genderqueerness is more stagnant.
Stay tuned for more queer pregnancy thoughts.